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P.S., I Hate You/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
- Helen Lovejoy: Marge? Marge Simpson. I assumed that was you coming out of the shame store, so I rushed right over.
- Marge: I never imagined that everyone in town would show up for my birthday.
- Sideshow Mel: Of course we did, Marge. Springfield adores you.
- Kumiko Albertson: You're a bake sale legend.
- Kirk Van Houten: You always have spare underwear for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."
- Moe Szyslak: Plus, you're always nice to everybody, even the town jerks, like me and, uh, no offense, Homer.
- Mayor Quimby: By the pinots ingested in me, I hereby decree Marge Simpson the nicest lady in Springfield.
- Marge: Last night was like something out of a dream.
- Homer: Yeah. Can you believe I went to work naked and my teeth all fell out?
- Marge: It's gone. Where is it? Where is it?
- Homer: Where's what?
- Marge: My box. My secret box.
- Homer: The sex box?
- Marge: No. No, my box of letters.
- Homer: What letters?
- Marge: My secret box of hate letters.
- Homer: But the sex box is okay?
- Marge: But those letters were just for me. They weren't meant to be read by anyone, ever. We have to find them.
- Homer: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're around here somewhere. Maybe the cleaning lady moved them.
- Marge: I'm the cleaning lady.
- Homer: Tell us where you moved them, or you're fired.
- Distorted voice: Dear Marge, we have your letters. If you want to see them again, pay us $5,000. If not, we will show the world what a mean bitch Marge Simpson really is.
- [Simpson family gasps]
- Homer: Can we say that now?
- Bart: My money's on Jasper. He's ugly, and ugly people are prone to crime.
- Homer: I've always hated ugly people, and now I know why.
- Marge: Everyone thinks I'm the sweetest lady in the world, like Ellen when she started her talk show. But if those letters get out, they'll all hate me. Like Ellen when she ended her talk show.
- Homer: Honey, wait. I've seen every movie about angry, middle-aged men refusing to negotiate with kidnappers. I know how to talk to these people.
- Distorted voice: Time's up, Marge.
- Homer: This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt, and you just signed your own death warrant 'cause I'm a retired CIA ninja who just un-retired to chimp chomp your face.
- Distorted voice: Hey. You listen here--
- Homer: No, YOU listen, butt dirt! We want those letters on our doorstep by noon hundred hours tomorrow, or I'm gonna be on you like a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.Aloha means "hello" and "you're dead."
- Helen Lovejoy: Last night, a vile, horrible letter was left at our doorstep and tore my world asunder. It reads, "'Dear'"-- and dear is in quotes-- "Helen. In case you haven't been made aware, you are a... -bitch!"
- [congregation gasps]
- Helen Lovejoy: "You're a snobby little gossip who derives a vampiric pleasure in the misfortune and minor foibles of others."
- Lisa: Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
- Marge: Shh!
- Helen Lovejoy: "Do me a favor and keep your surgically upturned nose out of my business. Josh Groban would hate your guts. Go jump in a woodchipper."
- Agnes Skinner: I would never write such vile things. I'd say 'em to your discount Botox face.
- Marge: Hey, Shauna. Thanks again for babysitting. I'm sorry I forgot to mention it was 56 kids instead of the usual three. How is it?
- Shauna Chalmers: Ugh. It's an abominable hellscape of torment and woe.
- Marge: Wha...?
- Shauna: Oh. I'm reading a goth romance novel and some of the vocab is sticking.
- Marge: Why don't you eat the food I left in the kids area?
- Shauna: But Milhouse sucked all the pigs out of the blankets. And Martin ate all the corn off the dogs.
- Shauna: Ugh. Every time she hires me to babysit, she treats me like I freakin' work for her. She acts like all I do around here is watch TV and try on her clothes.
- Jimbo Jones: Uh, that is what you do.
- Shauna: Yikes. How does she pull this off without looking like a skank?
- Jimbo: The pearls class the whole thing up.
- Shauna: Psh. Everyone thinks she's such a saint. Meanwhile, she's starving the one babysitter that's watching, like, every kid in town.
- Jimbo: Where are those kids, anyway?
- Shauna: Up your butt. I don't know.
- Shauna: [laughs] Oh, man. This angry MILF hates everyone in town.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson. To what do I owe the unannounced weekend visit?
- Marge: Um... I'm writing an article for the PTA newsletter about you.
- Chalmers: Me?
- Marge: Yes. An interview, really. Long form. "Gary Chalmers: A Profile In Competence." Not "incompetence." "In competence." 'Cause you're great.
- Chalmers: Hm... I wasn't aware that the PTA's biannual, one-page, single-sided newsletter even did long-form interviews, but how nice. Come on in.
- Chalmers: Uh, don't you need a pen or a recording device?
- Marge: Uh, no. No, I have a photographic memory.
- Chalmers: For auditory speech?
- Marge: Yes. [thinking] I think he's buying it.
- Chalmers: [thinking] I'm not buying it.
- Marge: So, how did you become so... super at... intending?
- Homer: Psh. Another stupid kid wearing an old T-shirt of a band they know nothing about. I bet she can't name one song by... Planned Parenthood.
- Marge: Why'd you do it, Shauna? Was all this over a stupid crab puff?
- Shauna: No. When I found those letters, I thought they were awesome. You totally nailed all the cringe-os in this cringe town. And then I read the letter you wrote to me.
- Marge: Oh, Shauna. I never meant for you--
- Shauna: You called me a "hormonal little snot with more piercings than brains." And you're supposed to be the nicest lady in town?
- Shauna: Don't let me die. I want to live to be old and fat like you.
- Marge: Hi, everyone. I just want to apologize. Not for having negative feelings, but for keeping them to myself all these years. Even though I smiled in your face, I was secretly furious. And that wasn't fair to you or to me.
- Chief Wiggum: So do you hate us all?
- Marge: No. No, I love the people of this town. Even when we butt heads.
- Homer and Jimbo: [laugh] Butt heads. Aw.
- Marge: But I'd rather you all think of me as an honest person with real, complex emotions, and not someone who's just nice. Thank you.
- Marge: Oh, wait, wait. O-One more thing, Helen.
- Helen Lovejoy: Yes?
- Marge: Kiss my ass!
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